Saguaro/Mirror Closing!!!

(Currently listening to the album “00:00” by Siddhartha)

We put on a wonderful night of theater!!! These shows actually performed for an audience, and they’re REAL, and they’re joyful, and they’re done!!!!! (for now.) It’s been such a crazy process, and I feel relaxed for the first time in months - I absolutely love the rehearsal period, but my mind is finally quiet once again. My brain goes into such a flurry when it’s in director mode, which isn’t a bad thing, but there comes a feeling that I’m never quite doing enough, and that all waking moments should be dedicated to the show, even when it’s not possible. Granted, that sort of attitude is important - I need to maintain a consistent effort in order to produce quality work, but I’ve been reminded it’s important to hold an “it is what it is” attitude. There comes a time when you’re just ready, when the actors have explored the depths of their characters, when the script can’t wait any longer to be shared when you’ve done all you can to spread the word to your community, and it’s just TIME. The show is what it is, and it’s GOOD, and you know that. All you can do is enjoy from that point on, there is nothing to be gained from tearing your brain apart trying to find something new to prepare for.

I couldn’t be more pleased. I couldn’t be more thankful. The fact that a group of amazing actors trusted my words enough to put such immense efforts into portraying these characters - portraying these manifestations of my soul, and that audiences RESONATED with those portrayals - it’s everything. It’s otherworldly. We are so much less isolated than we imagine. I was told by a few people that my words felt ripped directly from their heads, or that the works were elevated by their current journeys of self-discovery, and nothing has motivated me more than that. It’s so easy for us to feel like we’re alone on our journeys, that we’re the only ones plagued by fears and worries and doubt, but we don’t have to be. We can all push each other forward. There is so much hope to be found while putting our brains on display through art and in life. It’s about community. It’s 12:30am and I’m sentimental. Art is a two-way street. I give an audience a piece of my heart and hope it reaches them, and they return their hearts back to me when they connect to it. Maybe every performance is a love story between the playwright and the audience. God. The title track of this album makes me more romantic than anything else, give it a listen. The strings and horns and UGH my soul. Turn it on right now and listen to it while you read this for the full experience.

Anyway. There is so much long-term happiness welling up inside me. Saguaro’s character has been with me since 2017, and people adored him (Saguaro can have any pronouns, but just to match this production’s pronouns). I’ve been in love with cactuses since seeing one locked in a cage back in high school and wondering how it must feel. I tripped and fell on one in a restaurant as a kid, and my brain prepared for the worst pain imaginable, but… it didn’t hurt. I think I carried that with me. Now the cactus inside me has found its way to the stage. The dove inside me, the romantic, the one who yearns every day for connection, the guilty one, the one who wants to share endless, effortless love with the world, is real. Viv and Kim, who bear the weight of my shame, who embody my desperate late-night fantasies of running away from myself, the me who believes I should lock myself away from the world so we can both heal, can live on in so many minds beyond my own. They serve as guardians, hopefully pushing others to love themselves. That’s one of the goals of these works. We have so much love to give, and we can’t do it running away from ourselves. We are more than suffering. We are so full of history and flaws and joy and light and we don’t need to hide any of it. We are all complete as humans, and we are all worthy of love. I don’t want to act like these ideas are revolutionary, and I’m far from the first person to try and communicate them, but I’m proud to be someone who’s trying.

(I’m listening to Siddhartha’s “Náufrago” album now.)

I want to close this by saying I have the best friends and family in the world. I truly, truly do. The effort and support my family gave to make this show a lovely experience for our audience cannot be understated. They were there through so many steps, and the night of our shows, while I was running around backstage, they were creating a cozy atmosphere in which to welcome our guests, which is so so so important. Everything I’ve learned about how to throw a classy event comes from them, and their knowledge really helped elevate this production to the next level. Something about creating this with my family was just so fulfilling. We can all do anything together. And my FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! How am I so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life???? Showing up early to help set up, immediately asking how they could help clean when the show was finished, unloading props and costumes with me, all from the kindness of their hearts???? Not to mention supporting me emotionally over the weeks leading up to the show. What more could a person ask for???

Now I will ACTUALLY close this post by hoping these shows can find a future beyond these performances. As I continue finishing my other creative projects, I need to take the next step in finding a new home for these characters on other stages. Now that they exist outside my head, they’re ready to be shared. I need to find other directors and artists to care for them as I move on to other projects. Every character I create is so near and dear to me, and I will make sure their futures are just as bright as mine feels right now. Thank you so much to everyone who came to this show, it truly means the world. Thank you to the cast and crew. It’s only the beginning.